"This is the inside scoop on the private conversations between General Managers and potential first-round draft picks."
1. Tennessee Titans: "Nashville is known for hot chicken, but our offensive line protection is even spicier. Hope you're good at scrambling."
2. Cleveland Browns: "We've had more starting quarterbacks than the city has had mayors. You'll be in the Hall of Fame... of Cleveland QB jerseys on some fan's wall."
3. New York Giants: "Your agent mentioned you wanted 'bright lights, big city.' Just to clarify, you know we play in New Jersey, right?"
4. New England Patriots: "We still expect you to win six Super Bowls. No pressure."
5. Jacksonville Jaguars: "Jacksonville... This city is so spread out. People joke it's several suburbs pretending to be a city."
6. Las Vegas Raiders: "The over/under on how many head coaches you'll play for during your rookie contract is 3.5."
7. New York Jets: "Broadway Joe guaranteed a Super Bowl win once. We've been riding that high for 56 years."
8. Carolina Panthers: "Charlotte's banking industry is booming. Good news, you'll need somewhere to deposit all that money you'll earn while we rebuild... again."
9. New Orleans Saints: "Hope you like beads because that's all the hardware you'll be collecting for a while."
10. Chicago Bears: "We've had one good quarterback in the last century. No pressure, but the city hopes you're the second."
11. San Francisco 49ers: "Housing in the Bay Area starts at $3,000 per square foot. Fortunately, we can offer you a lovely practice facility closet."
12. Dallas Cowboys: "America's Team hasn't been to a conference championship in nearly 30 years, but don't tell Jerry that."
13. Miami Dolphins: "Hurricane season and football season overlap perfectly here. You'll get used to both kinds of pressure systems."
14. Indianapolis Colts: "The Indy 500 isn't the only thing that goes around in circles here. Our quarterback carousel is giving it competition."
15. Atlanta Falcons: "28-3. Never mention those numbers in sequence, and you'll be fine."
16. Arizona Cardinals: "It's a dry heat, like our championship drought."
17. Cincinnati Bengals: "We're the second most popular team in Ohio, but hey, at least we're not the Browns."
18. Seattle Seahawks: "We'll give you earplugs for the home games. The 12th Man is great until you're trying to call an audible."
19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers: "Tom Brady was here. We'll remind you of this daily for the next decade."
20. Denver Broncos: "The altitude makes the ball fly farther. Sadly, it doesn't help our quarterbacks' accuracy."
21. Pittsburgh Steelers: "We've had exactly three head coaches since the Nixon administration. Job security isn't our problem - living up to the legacy is yours."
22. Los Angeles Chargers: "We technically have fans. They all live in San Diego and refuse to drive to see us."
23. Green Bay Packers: "The team is publicly owned, so instead of one demanding owner, you'll have 538,967 of them."
24. Minnesota Vikings: "Our playoff misery is so consistent, it's almost impressive. You'll fit right in!"
25. Houston Texans: "Everything's bigger in Texas, especially our expectations."
26. Los Angeles Rams: "Hollywood loves a sequel. We're hoping you'll be the sequel to our Super Bowl run, not the sequel to our salary cap disasters."
27. Baltimore Ravens: "The city has Edgar Allan Poe. We have a tough defense. Both will haunt your nightmares."
28. Detroit Lions: "We've never been to the Super Bowl. You could become the biggest legend in franchise history by just getting us to the big game."
29. Washington Commanders: "We've changed our name, colors, and owner. Now we need to change our losing record."
30. Buffalo Bills: "Table-smashing isn't in your contract but is expected."
31. Kansas City Chiefs: "Hope you like barbecue because you'll be eating a lot of it while watching Mahomes get all the glory."
32. Philadelphia Eagles: "The fans once booed Santa Claus. Your bad games will be treated much worse."
Enjoy the ride + Plan accordingly.
PS: Go Detroit Lions!
